YOUR ARMS ARE TOO SHORT TO BOX WITH GOD

Dear Stacey Dash,

We’ve supported you throughout your struggle career; the lone highlight being 1992’s Mo’ Money. At one point, your were the quintessential girl next door; one that brothers from PG County to Bankhead to Brooklyn would kill to have a chance with. Your thespian abilities left much to be desired but we let it slide cuz hey, you were one of maybe 4 black actresses and you were gorgeous.

Most of us wrote you off when you went to Fox News and started talking sideways about our cousins B-Rock and ‘Chelly but a few folks hung out a grain of hope, me being one of them. Optimist? No! More like someone who trusts a big butt and a smile aka everything that Bell Biv Davoe told us not to do. BBD forgive me; for I have sinned. Nonetheless, I would search and search for something redeemable in your coontastic commentary. It’s unsurprising that I came up short every time.

Without question, your latest offense takes the coon cake. Somewhere between thanking white jesus for your quasi relevance and wondering why Kanye stopped answering your calls, you thought it’d be cool to tweet some ether out at Queen Maxine Waters. But it backfired like super ugly. You fixed your twitter fingers to refer to the legendary congresswoman as a media buffoon.

Like many people who get called out on saying slick ish online, you deflected the blame. According to you, your intern actually authored the tweet. You do deserve some points for originality in terms of your excuse but let’s be real about this. No student is taking out thousands of dollars in loans and prepping for entrance exams so that they can intern for Stacey Dash. If there are students doing this, please send them to me so I can slap them silly.  Put simply, your just not important enough to have an intern and how dare you insult the intelligence of the public by suggesting that you do.

Furthermore, how dare you insult a woman who has spent her life advocating for people like you? Correct yourself Ms. Dash or the universe will.

Sincerely,

Gee